I'm tired.
I would guess that over the past few weeks I've averaged about three hours of sleep per night.
I'm sick.
This is probably results from the lack of sleep.
I'm sad.
The death of my grandmother is weighing heavily on my heart. Seattle suffered yet another school shooting a few days ago. Mexico is in turmoil... so many killings, so little resolution. My father must move to Sacramento without my mother while she waits for the house to sell. I miss my kids.
____
I am joyful.
I choose joy.
The other day in my Spanish class, I looked absolutely terrible. This was caused by an involuntary all-nighter, a screaming head ache and serious caffeine withdrawals.
My prof asked me "Kayla, estas bien? Necisitas regresar a tu casa para descansar?"
Kayla, are you okay? Do you need to return to your house to rest?
"No, estoy bien. La alegria es una eleccion."
No, I'm good. Joy is a choice.
____
To be honest, I was surprised by my response.
"Happy" was definitely not a word appropriate for my description that day.
Actually, "happy" is still not a proper descriptive word for my person.
Joy is though.
Joy is much more than an emotion.
Joy is an action.
You activate joy in your life.
You embody a joyful nature when you acknowledge that sure, life can be a bitch, but it doesn't matter.
It simply doesn't matter because what we view as terrible is nothing in comparison to the massive amount of love being poured upon us every moment from the living God.
You don't need to be all happy-go-lucky to have joy present within your life.
You just need to have faith.
You need to take a deep breath and relinquish control.
Believe that God is good.
____
This joy does not necessarily need to be attained without question.
Heck, I question, argue, freak out and rant to my home-girl Tracy all of the time...
I take my cues from Habakkuk.
Habakkuk was a prophet in the Hebrew Bible. He's my favorite.
He's the only prophet who questions the working of God.
Israel is in distress. They have been completely overrun and are in complete despair.
Habakkuk does not simply say "Oh, everything will be fine. God loves us. Everything happens for a reason. Pain is temporary..." You know, the usual encouragement given.
"How long, Lord, must I call for help,
but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, 'Violence!'
but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
there is strife, and conflict abounds.
Therefore the law is paralyzed,
and justice never prevails.
The wicked him in the righteous,
so that justice is perverted."
Habakkuk 1:2-4
Damn, Habakkuk.
We are one soul.
Habakkus lets the Lord have a serious piece of his mind.
He shares what is troubling his heart and he does not hold back.
But then Habakkuk does something that is much easier said than done...
he listens.
He waits on the Lord to hear His side of the story.
"Look at the nations and watch-
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told."
Habakkuk 1:5
The conversation continues on in this fashion.
It is a dialogue, a beautiful dialogue, of honesty and truth.
____
As of late my prayers have sounded quite similar to the prayers of Habakkuk.
I am angry.
I am confused.
I am tired.
I am sick.
I am sad.
I am joyful.
Yes, full of joy.
I know that I can have hope in this darkness because I have a God who overcomes all.
I am with a God who lets me rand and rave, question and doubt, yell and scream...
but then I wait.
Speak Lord, your servant is listening.
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