delete all following

I tend to see myself as a fairly whimsical, flowy person.

I try not to view my life in concrete manners and definitely don't even pretend to have it all together.

I like to have a high degree of freedom.

I go here, there, back, forward, quickly, skipping, dancing, around, everywhere...

This is not to say that I am careless, because I can assure you that I am not.

I just really feel like today is for living and when you're overly concerned with the details of the mundane beautiful things are often overlooked and discarded.

I've learned wonderful things over the course of the last 8 months.

My academic life is thriving and my love of learning continues to grow.

The most beautiful thing I have learned though may have been outside of the classroom.

This is not to say that my courses have been anything less than incredible, for that would be a complete lie, but it is to say that life has been new and from it I have learned.

I have learned that here in the States being carefree comes at a price.

Life is lived quickly and precisely.

Consequently, I use Google Calendar to schedule both the consistent and sporadic.

It is easy to become slave to a calendar, or a list.

Following a detailed plan and religiously checking boxes does keep you organized and on track, but at what cost?

What do you miss?

What do you fail to notice?

What could these oversights have taught you? 

In order to maintain sanity in the face of chaos, I keep an exhaustive schedule.

My phone receives text messages 30 minutes before a scheduled event is set to take place.

My calendar keeps me going in the right direction, but it doesn't rule over me.

A few years ago, I would have said that my calendar definitely has control over me.

I cannot miss a single minute of allotted time.

That would be to fail.

This year I have disciplined myself to intentional presence.

I have said yes every time someone asks to get coffee with me.

I have volunteered in Kingdom places.

I take the time to encourage my mentors.

I have mentors! And I meet with them.

I am prioritizing people.

Ironically, these people also end up on my calendar.

But that is just so that the craziness of life does not cause them to be forgotten.

It's a tension that I hold:

freedom and control.

To what degree do the realities of my life infringe on my deseo por la libertad?

It is a balancing act for sure.

But it is a tension that is of high value to me, relationships are becoming increasingly important as I move, develop and define what core values make me the woman I am, and am to be.

_____

Today was sad.

I was putting some things on my calendar for my last week in Chicago when I realized that there are several regular, scheduled events that will be no longer.

So, I deleted them.

When you delete something on Google Calendar it gives you three options:

1. Only this instance

2. All following

3. All events in this series

I would love to be able to click option number one, but unfortunately every time I had to delete "all following."

Events like small group, tutoring Diana, church, Sunday school, coffee with Jessica, youth group, UNO in the 209...

Regular events that will never be again.

And if for some amazing reason they do happen again, it will never be the same.

_____

If only this was a new feeling.

But it's not.

This has been the same feeling for the last three springs.

I was Skyping Rick last night and I kinda lost it.

Memories are not isolated.

Experiences are informed by prior experiences.

Feelings are repeated.

Things are re-membered into your life.

This works both for the wanted and unwanted.

Tengo memorias que ya no quiero.

There are memories that you want to be reminded of.

It's an incredible thing when you are slipped into the past for a moment that had been completely forgotten to you. When you can relive joys and be filled to the measure with the tangibly warm sense of belonging and bliss.

It is, however, a shattering moment when you are thrown back into memories that you had forgotten for a reason.

There are certain sentiments that are best left in the past, or brought back to life on purpose for reexamination, not by coincidence.

Three springs in a row I have left.

Three springs in a row I have abandoned people.

Three springs in a row I have been removed from places where I had routine.

Three springs in a row I have dived into the unknown with excitement and frigidity.

New is new.

Old is known.

New is well.

Old is welcome.

New is beautiful.

Old is beautiful.

_____

I deleted "all following" events that were stable, consistent, life-giving, full, dedicated, commitments.

Pain.

_____

I am going somewhere new.

Pain

_____

I am leaving somewhere loved.

Pain.

_____

I am going somewhere new.

Trust.

XX

It has become tradition to write about my sister on February 4th. 

It is, notably, her birthday.

And, as so, is probably the best day of the year. 

She deserves to be celebrated.

Twenty years ago today this world gained a winner.

They gained a woman with such strength, confidence, courage, might, snark, love, tenderness, compassion, and drive.

They gained Madison Stelle.

_____

I was thinking about making a list of all the things I love about my sister.

But, as it turns out, I literally love her more than words can even begin to describe.

I started to list things like her incredible sense of justice, her determination to not be stopped, her laugh when she's trying not to laugh at mom's jokes, her laugh when she's laughing at jokes that she isn't ashamed to find funny, her particular 'take a selfie with Quincy' face, her fearlessness when it comes to cliff jumping, her phone calls 'just to say hi' or 'just to use me as a living Spanish-English dictionary', her phone calls when she knows something is up with me and is determined to make me talk about it, her hugs, her snuggles, her zumba skills, her underwater zumba skills, her quick wit, her terrible directions that will definitely get you lost every dang time but you'll be lost with Maddie Frickin Stelle so it will still be a blast, her random artsy creations, her crazy thoughtfulness...

Really I could talk about how awesome she is for years.

In fact, I do.

Both Rick and Diem joke about how they probably know more about Mads than they do about me.

And ya know what? There is definitely some truth to that statement.

I kind of want to talk about her all of the time because everyone who knows her instantly becomes 539473250 times more amazing because they have such a wonderful human pouring into them.

_____

I asked Diem, "What is something you love about my sister?"

She said, "Well Kayla, I love that you talk about her all of the time and that because of that I know her. I love her humor and how you are when you're talking with her."

Then I threw the question out there to a few people who have experienced the beauty of knowing my sister.

What is one thing that you love about Madison Stelle?

Rebecca Crow

"That blinding smile is what I love."

Leigh Iosia

"I love all her pet peeves that we rant about together, but they make her who she is and I love it at the same time! Also that she is so bad at directions, so I'll be her Columbus anytime ;) Also, I love that she is an expert job finder too, and her addiction to candyyyy."

Katie Bryant

"Hm, one thing I could say about Maddie... She has a great sense of humor and is not afraid of a challenge or adventure... And in all our conversations she never spoke badly of anyone, she has an amazing heart."

Jim Graffe

"I selfishly love the fact that she trusts me. I appreciate how she hurts deeply, and loves deeply, I truly admire that about her!"

Tyler Stolz

"I love how she can so easily make me laugh and smile. I love how she is never afraid to be herself, an amazing, weird, genuine, loving goofball."

Rick Riedy

"She takes my side on conversations about being vegetarian. She eats bacon. And steak."

Karla Mahar

"All of her but especially her fierce loyalty and honesty!"

Lillian Amrine

"Maddie has so much infinite, inner strength packed in that little body of hers. I appreciate her honesty, loyalty and heart for what is right. I know that she not only talks about justice, but she faithfully acts upon it. She challenges me."

Jeremy Bryant

"Madison is a fierce, confident competitor. I admire that."

Hunter Vatsula

"I love her authenticity and her willingness to tell it how it is no matter the subject whether it be church, God, faith, friends or love. As well as her ability to see faith in others even when they may not see it in themselves."

Joelene Lemke
"I love that she is fearless and has en enormous heart. She will conquer the world someday!"

Heather Maher

"I love Maddie's spunk, sense of humor, and her strong spirit. Also... BACON."

_____

My sister and I talk all the time.

For real, she'll call me "Hey, just goin' to the store and didn't want to walk alone. What's up?"

So we talk.

"Hey, so my show on Netflix ended, can I talk it out?"

So we talk (and maybe cry or yell or both).

"Hey, so this happened and it was really hard."

So we cry.

"Hey, wanna hear a funny joke?"

So we laugh.

"Hey."

So we be, together, from 2,000 miles apart.

Mads knows how to love me well. 

And for that I am so, so, so thankful.

There is no one on this planet who knows me better than her.

There is nobody even close to understanding me like she does.

There is not a soul who feels my pain, joy, love, confusion, doubt, excitement and fear like Mads.

She is my sister.

And sisters are forever.

_____

I remember this awesomely terribly phase for my parents during late elementary school and early middle school where Maddie and I fought constantly.

It didn't even matter what was going on, heck, I'm sure we found ways to fight intensly when we were agreeing with one another.

It was a bad time.

My wonderful mother would take two chairs and face them to each other in the living room.

She would then sit myself and Madison down so that our knees were touching and say

"You girls can't leave here until you are friends again."

We thought we were soooo clever.

We'd still be angry but we'd "laugh" and say "We're good!" then run away giggling becuase HAH we fooled mom!

Like we actually fooled our mother,

Jennifer Stelle is far smarter than that.

She knows that for the entire time we were sitting knee-to-knee in the living room we were talking about how to trick her into thinking we were getting along again.

News flash:

We were getting along.

We were scheming together.

We were playing.

Mom, you rock.

Mads, we were so dumb.

_____

Madison, I love you so much.

And I'm not the only one.

Look at all of those wonderful people who truly think that you are incredible.

I love your awkward smile when you don't know what to do about the fact that mom is taking a flash photo of us during a movie in the theater.

I love that we play together, well.

I love that we take embarrassing selfies in department stores, low-key all the time, in the sunglasses department.

I love that we can be total fools together.

I love that minutes after this picture was taken you lost your frickin mind.

 

So those of you who have visited my family in Rocklin have most likely been to this epic milkshake place named Taylor's. Taylor's has 300+ flavors of awesomeness. I like to get the "cucumber lime" milkshake because it is a true delight. Madison on the other hand, thinks that the "cucumber lime" flavor is of the devil because she is a crazy person. On this particularly wonderful summer afternoon we went to Taylor's so that Hunter and Jacoby could experience the wowness. I ordered the magical "cucumber lime" and Mads ordered the boring-as-ever "peppermint bark". We sipped, we smiled, we shared stories, everyone made fun of my "ruining dessert by being a vegetarian" (ummm newsflash, YOUR SHAKES WERE VEGETARIAN TOO UNLESS YOU GOT BACON FLAVOR). Then Mads needed something from the car and she asked me to come with her. Fast forward three minutes: we sat back down at the table and I took a sip of my milkshake... peppermint bark! I kept it cool (as a cucumber...) and waited for Mads to take a sip of the shake in front of her. I didn't have to sneakily look to see if she had tried it, oh no, I'm sure all of the greater Sacramento area heard her reaction. She leaped backwards out of the bench, flung herself into the bushes, spit everywhere, and then I swear that steam started coming out of her ears as she yelled "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THIS IS THE WORST MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU RUINED MY DAY MY WEEK MY MONTH MY LIFE THIS IS AWFUL AND I'M NEVER FORGIVING ANY OF YOU KAYLA WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH YOUR CHOICES ARE AWFUL AND ALL OF YOU ARE ROTTEN HUMANS FOR BEING SO MEAN AND MAKING ME CONSUME A BEVERAGE STRAIT OUT OF HELL ITSELF IVRIOVNWOIVWOVNFFF!!!!!" (or something along those lines.)

_____

Madison Stelle, everyone.

_____

Thank you for truly being the craziest person I know.

You are my favorite human.

My confidant. 

(even though you throw me under the bus like it's your job. whatever.)

My snuggle buddy.

(even though you insist that we snuggle under your Kobe blanket.)

My zumba in the pool partner.

(even though you are way better than I am.)

My road trip DJ.

(even though Taylor Swift is definitely a thing with you.)

My best friend.

(even though we're sisters and the world says that can't be a thing.)

I love you.

(even more than I love cucumber lime milkshakes.)