becoming ready



And just like that, I'm back in the good ol' US of A.

Rockin, CA.

wooh.
 

A good friend sent me a few pictures from my unofficial "going away party"

(unofficial because it wasn't actually a party for me but we totally made it so)

and I was flooded with so many feels.


 

In a way, I'm grieving.

Actually, not "in a way",

I'm thoroughly grieving.

I'm grieving the loss of big love;
the death of an era.

 

Friends that became family,

a language by which my heart was won,

star-filled nights guided by rhythm,

a culture that lives fully and relationally,

and an adventure that is always developing into something truly great.

Experts in psychology say that there are five steps of grief that lead to final acceptance:
 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance 

I have moved passed the denial stage.
I was completely and utterly in denial for a few days.
"I'm just on vacation.. to the US.. from Mexico. I'll be home soon."
I now realize now that unfortunately, this is not the case.

At the moment, I'm knee deep in the anger phase.
Actually, I'm way more than knee deep,
I'm drowning.
I hung up from a Skype conversation with a friend named Daniel down in Guadalajara yesterday and instead of feeling sadness, I was overcome with a rage-like sensation.
I physically felt my muscles tighten up and as I leaned back and ran my fingers through my hair, I could feel blood pulsing through my brain as the pressure built and built to a mental explosion of exasperation.

vnfuiqegnrivenuvneiuvnoiffff.

I am mad that he is there,
and I am here.

I am mad that I am not there and that he is not here,
that none of my absolutely incredible friends are here,
and that I am not with them.

I'm in Rocklin.
Pinche Rocklkin.

Anger is not healthy, and I would like to move past it.
In a way, I think I have.
I have, at least in a small manner, began to bargain.

I find myself scouting plane tickets and planning trips with friends that will never happen.
I'm wishfully spitballing ideas by people
"what if....."
when I know that there is little chance of any of these dreams becoming a reality.
But that's often how it is with dreams.
I guess that's what makes a dream a dream.
I will continue to hope.

Part of me wants to power through these steps and be fine.
My brain keeps telling me
"Come on Kayla, just rub some dirt in it and move on."

But I don't want to move on.
As soon as I've moved on, that will mean that I have forgotten, in small part, how my heart feels right now.
Ya know what, I don't want to forget.
I'm okay with living into this sadness, this anger, and whatever else is to come because that means that I am living into something.

I'm letting my heart feel,
hurt,
greive,
and be chipped away at bitby bit.

I'm letting myself be remolded, once again, into a fuller person.
I'm taking all of my love and all of the ache that accompanies it and letting it wreck me because that's what this chica needs right now.

I am emotionally beat,
but I really think that's a good thing.
It's a process.
A painful, brutal, knowing and all together shitty process.

My heart is still in Mexico, but it's working on finding a home.
I doubt that Rocklin will ever be that place, but I'll find it someday.
Or rather, my heart will find it and the rest of me will follow.

Te seguiré, mi pequeño corazón roto.
I'm becoming ready.



 

wizardly wisdom

Yesterday I was casually reading The Order of the Phoenix because I have an infinite amount of work to do so consequently I will do anything to not be doing what I'm supposed to be doing, when something that Harry said gave me pause to think.

Dumbledore had seemingly finished an epic duel with the Dark Lord when Voldemort possessed Harry and began to show him all of his worst memories in attempt to over take him.

Just before Voldemort had completely consumed Harry's thoughts, Harry became strong and overcame him by remembering of all the beautiful things he has in his life.

Harry responded to Voldemort

"You're the one who is weak. You will never know love or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."

Voldemort is independently strong because of his power,

but Harry has love and friendship 

and that overpowers all.

I leave Mexico two weeks from tomorrow.

It's weird

and terrible

and I'm super bummed.

I've been here for almost a year, and that's a significant amount of time to love and to make incredible friends. 

I am so thankful for everyone I have met here.

I'm beginning the slow and painful process of emotionally separating myself.

I know that I'm leaving and I am uncertain of when I will return.

Leaving here will be easier than Bots in regards to distance, 

thankfully Mexico is not on the other side of the world.

But still.

One can never be certain of where they will go and with whom they will be.

In regards to relationships, this separation will be much more difficult.

A year is a long time.

Okay maybe, not a longgg time, but long enough to build solid relationships.

Every coffee date or drink I get with a friend causes me great pain but also gives me joy.

It makes me strong.

I am stronger with them than I am on my own and even though I have to leave this beautiful country soon, the friendships and crazy memories will not be dimmed.

I am learning the significance of difference between

"adios"

and 

"hasta luego".

"Adios" is no longer in my vocabulary.

It's never really goodbye.

When Peter came to Wendy's window after taking her home from Neverland she told him goodbye, 

but peter responded

"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

I'm not saying goodbye.

I'm not going away.

And I'm definitely not forgetting.

But I am separating,

and my heart hearts.

I have 15 more days.

May they pass slowly

and may it never be goodbye.