I tend to see myself as a fairly whimsical, flowy person.
I try not to view my life in concrete manners and definitely don't even pretend to have it all together.
I like to have a high degree of freedom.
I go here, there, back, forward, quickly, skipping, dancing, around, everywhere...
This is not to say that I am careless, because I can assure you that I am not.
I just really feel like today is for living and when you're overly concerned with the details of the mundane beautiful things are often overlooked and discarded.
I've learned wonderful things over the course of the last 8 months.
My academic life is thriving and my love of learning continues to grow.
The most beautiful thing I have learned though may have been outside of the classroom.
This is not to say that my courses have been anything less than incredible, for that would be a complete lie, but it is to say that life has been new and from it I have learned.
I have learned that here in the States being carefree comes at a price.
Life is lived quickly and precisely.
Consequently, I use Google Calendar to schedule both the consistent and sporadic.
It is easy to become slave to a calendar, or a list.
Following a detailed plan and religiously checking boxes does keep you organized and on track, but at what cost?
What do you miss?
What do you fail to notice?
What could these oversights have taught you?
In order to maintain sanity in the face of chaos, I keep an exhaustive schedule.
My phone receives text messages 30 minutes before a scheduled event is set to take place.
My calendar keeps me going in the right direction, but it doesn't rule over me.
A few years ago, I would have said that my calendar definitely has control over me.
I cannot miss a single minute of allotted time.
That would be to fail.
This year I have disciplined myself to intentional presence.
I have said yes every time someone asks to get coffee with me.
I have volunteered in Kingdom places.
I take the time to encourage my mentors.
I have mentors! And I meet with them.
I am prioritizing people.
Ironically, these people also end up on my calendar.
But that is just so that the craziness of life does not cause them to be forgotten.
It's a tension that I hold:
freedom and control.
To what degree do the realities of my life infringe on my deseo por la libertad?
It is a balancing act for sure.
But it is a tension that is of high value to me, relationships are becoming increasingly important as I move, develop and define what core values make me the woman I am, and am to be.
_____
Today was sad.
I was putting some things on my calendar for my last week in Chicago when I realized that there are several regular, scheduled events that will be no longer.
So, I deleted them.
When you delete something on Google Calendar it gives you three options:
1. Only this instance
2. All following
3. All events in this series
I would love to be able to click option number one, but unfortunately every time I had to delete "all following."
Events like small group, tutoring Diana, church, Sunday school, coffee with Jessica, youth group, UNO in the 209...
Regular events that will never be again.
And if for some amazing reason they do happen again, it will never be the same.
_____
If only this was a new feeling.
But it's not.
This has been the same feeling for the last three springs.
I was Skyping Rick last night and I kinda lost it.
Memories are not isolated.
Experiences are informed by prior experiences.
Feelings are repeated.
Things are re-membered into your life.
This works both for the wanted and unwanted.
Tengo memorias que ya no quiero.
There are memories that you want to be reminded of.
It's an incredible thing when you are slipped into the past for a moment that had been completely forgotten to you. When you can relive joys and be filled to the measure with the tangibly warm sense of belonging and bliss.
It is, however, a shattering moment when you are thrown back into memories that you had forgotten for a reason.
There are certain sentiments that are best left in the past, or brought back to life on purpose for reexamination, not by coincidence.
Three springs in a row I have left.
Three springs in a row I have abandoned people.
Three springs in a row I have been removed from places where I had routine.
Three springs in a row I have dived into the unknown with excitement and frigidity.
New is new.
Old is known.
New is well.
Old is welcome.
New is beautiful.
Old is beautiful.
_____
I deleted "all following" events that were stable, consistent, life-giving, full, dedicated, commitments.
Pain.
_____
I am going somewhere new.
Pain
_____
I am leaving somewhere loved.
Pain.
_____
I am going somewhere new.
Trust.
