little victories

Yesterday marked a monumental step in my Botswana life.

I went to cross the street 

and I looked right, then left.

This has been an ongoing battle since day one

and has resulted in more than a few "close calls" between the combis and I.

Since this is a former British protectorate, they drive on the left side of the road.

For as long as I could consistently differentiate between my lefts and rights I have been told by my parents'

"When crossing the road: left, right, left."

as to not be hit by a car.

Now, I have begun to adjust to life here at a subconscious level.

(This driving on the left side of the road thing also applies to walking. I have also adjusted to that. Now if you fail to pass someone on the sidewalk by swerving left, it is awkward because you practically run into them... but you won't face death, hopefully.)

I only have 59 more days in this beautiful country.

Sobs. 

That's 59 days to secure my 'left side of the road' thinking and return to the harb to literally run into every single person I meet in Albertsons.

So friends, prepare yourselves, I'm comin' in hot. 

waka waka (this time for africa)

Sadly, as of today, my spring break has come to an end.

I have thrown all of my incredibly dirty clothing onto my floor,

kicked my sand-filled shoes under my desk,

checked under my covers and bed for disturbingly large spiders,

and now,

I rest. 

Oh sleep, how you are welcomed here.

I'm exhausted.

But, I would be disappointed if after an week of camping in the bush I was perfectly energized.

This exhaustion is the result of adventure.

______

Saturday morning, at an ungodly hour, a few friends and I packed up and hopped on a combi to the Rail Park bus station in Gaborone, Botswana.

We then found a bus going to Francistown and hopped on in!

This bus ride was about 5 hours long.

Upon arrival to Francistown, we booked it through the bus rink in search of our bus to Kasane.

Unfortunately, we missed it by literally 3 minutes. 

Boo hiss.

It was noon.

We asked around about the next bus and found that it did not leave until 11:00pm.

So, we had three options.

1. Hitchhike 

2. Find a hostel somewhere.

3. Take the night bus.

We decided that option number three was the most logical, our group was too large to hitchhike in one vehicle and hostels cost money.

So, we waited around the bus rink for hours and hours until finally boarding our bus.

We arrived in Kasane, after the craziest bus ride of my life, at around 6:30am.

We then slept in tents for a few hours to power us for the day.

The sleep was so sound that when we all awoke, it felt like we had slept the whole night.

At 10:00am we made our way to Kasane where we boarded a boat and cruised down the Chobe River.

Holy hippos, it was incredible.

Our boat driver (captain?) was super adventurous, which made some uncomfortable, but thoroughly excited me!

He would get real up-close and personal with the animals.

He would do this so much so that as soon as they disappeared under water, he would have to floor it to avoid them attacking the boat. 

Hello Mr. Hippo

and Ms. Elephant.

_____

The next day, we went accross the boarder to Zimbabwe.

Here, we traveled to Victoria Falls, one of the seven natural wonders of the world.

and boy oh boy, does it deserve it!

I stared in awe at this massive cascade.

My brain could not/cannot comprehend the amounts of water pouring over the edge of the cliffs. 

A few friends and I hiked around the falls to different check points with fantastic views.

Now, this large of a waterfall creates mucho sprays.

If that were not enough, it was thunder storming.

Needless to say, we got a bit wet.

By checkpoint number three: we were drenched completely.

Thankfully, we had plastic-baggied our things beforehand.

So as an unfortunate result, I am limited in pictures of this beautiful scene. 

But oh baby, if God created this for earth...

Heaven.

_____

The following days we stayed in Chobe.

We were originally supposed to venture to the delta, but for time's sake and the desire to not take a 4 hour car ride in the back of a truck in the rain.... we stayed put. 

This was no bummer though.

It was beautiful.

_____

Every night of the trip, we camped.

Now, this was no camping for sissies...

This camping was intense. 

(All of you who know that joke, it's appropriate for you to laugh here.)

We pitched our tents in the middle of the Chobe National Park.

Literally, we were sleeping with lions, hippos, elephants, ect..

You could hear them in your sleep.

Have you ever fallen asleep to the sound of lions growling

or hippos grunting

or elephants stomping?

I have.

(and am eager to do it again)

_____

We went on two game drives per day, one in the morning at an again ungodly hour, and again before dinner.

lions

elephants

impalas

 baboons

all sorts of neato birds

monkeys

kudu

giraffes

zebras

and many more beautiful creatures

neef neef.

bashful baby baboon. 

my sassy impala friend.

she says hello.

oh hey there, watch out for dem alligators!

you're gonna here her roar.

_____

Unfortunately, my trip had to end.

I am, after all, in school.

I have quite a few papers and projects to complete by Monday.

So, the few of us who had demanding work back at UB packed up and headed back.

(The rest continued onto Namibia...

not jealous at all.)

We left Kasane to Francistown

and Francistown to Gaborone.

_____

I miss it already.

Easter break cannot come soon enough!

_____

Well, now I guess I'll go get myself an egg phaphata and begin my assignments.

If any of you are just dying to write a narrative post-colonial, historical interpretation of John 11, give me a holler and I'm sure we can work something out. ;)

Assuming I will have no takers on that offer, I really should be going.

_____

go siame. 

(goodbye.)

shadows

Dumela bo mma. Dumela bo rra. 

O tshogile jang?

O teng?

Ke na le mhikela.

______

Hello everyone.

How are you?

Are you good?

I am sick.

______

I was hit with a difficult reality today.

I walked into the student center, as per usual, to by myself an egg phaphata for breakfast.

The "line" is usually quite long and haphazard.

(I put line in "" because the concept of a line is foreign to Botswana. "Clump" or "Smoosh to the front with no personal space" is much more accurate.)

Today, there was no line.

Oh goody! I get to eat my breakfast and be on time to class today!

How splendid.

_____

Where are all of the people?

_____

Now, it was probably a combination of several factors that caused the line to be shortened today, but regardless it caused me to pause.

I looked around and saw lines of people congregated around tents.

Yes, tents. 

Inside.

_____

I asked some people what was happening.

They responded

"HIV/AIDS testing."

_____

oh.

_____

There are over 360,000 people living with HIV/AIDS in Botswana today.

11,000 are children.

That is an extremely high number considering that there are only 2 million people in this country.

(The highest in the world, actually.)

There are 160,000 orphans.

_____

I'm sick. 

But I'll get better.

_____

It's hard to find the beauty in all of this
but I'm trying.

The David Crowder Band produced a stunning song on their "Church Music" album titled "Shadows"

It has been of great comfort as of late.

So much truth.

It goes like this:

"Life is full of light and shadow

O the joy and O the sorrow

O the sorrow

And yet will He bring

Dark to light

And yet will He bring

Day from night

When shadows fall on us

We will not fear

We will remember

When darkness falls on us

We will not fear

We will remember

When all seems lost

When we're thrown and we're tossed

We remember the cost

We rest in Him

Shadow of the cross"

_____

In one of my classes, taught by M. W. Dube, we are studying the Gospels in an HIV/AIDS context.

She calls us to question:

As Christians, are we to be fullheartedly and relentlessly involved in the fight against HIV/AIDS?

God is the creator and lover of life.

"It was good."

_____

So we fight.

In Him

With the power of the cross.

_____

Tsamaya sentle, pule e nele tseleng. 

_____

Go well, have a blessed journey.

Literally: Let it rain on you as you go. 

(Remember, this language comes from the desert) 

forced reliance

The last few weeks have been pretty rough.

Those of you who know me well and even those of you who barely know me at all most likely have observed that I am a fairly independent individual.

and by fairly independent, I mean quite independent.

and by quite independent, I mean extremely independent.

That, my friends, is why the last few weeks have been a struggle.

Here in Gaborone, my independence is super limited.

I cannot go anywhere or do anything on my own.

Back home, in Chicago, I spend my afternoons relaxing in different coffee shops studying and enjoying my much needed alone time.

I am so ridiculously productive, it's actually insane.

Also, I enjoy a daily run.

During this run I get to work out (appreciate the pun please) all of my stresses and come home a refreshed and sweaty human.

I also walk, a lot.

I walk to the grocery store.

I walk to coffee.

I walk to the lake.

I walk to church.

I walk to friend's places.

I walk walk walk.

I also problem solve.

I problem solve for others, I problem solve for myself, I even (on the not-so-rare occasion) problem solve for strangers.

I like to take things into my own hands and make my life my life.

It is difficult for me to let others help me.

because, I can help myself.

well

here

that

is

not

a

thing.

like, at all.

And boy oh boy, it makes life really hard.

I cannot walk anywhere by myself because it is dangerous.

So consequently, everywhere I go, I go with others.

I cannot sit anywhere on campus alone because it is not culturally normal for one to sit alone.

This results in me attempting to journal while constantly being asked "are you okay?"

Well, I was.

If that were not enough, I keep getting sick!

and not like, oh it's just a cold, sick...

but sick sick.

I am currently battling strep throat.

This has me stuck in my little room.

The aloneness is nice, but it is forcing me to rely on those around me.

Those same people that I am forced to be around for safety I am not forced to be around for general survival. 

They are kind enough to bring me food

water

internet

and drugs

penicillin to be specific.

They keep coming to help even though I do not ask.

It's good, because I won't ask.

because I can take care of it on my own.

all on my own.

because I'm strong

independent

and perfectly capable of not dying.

_____

Yeah Kayla, keep telling yourself that.

Forced reliance.

It sucks.

It's annoying.

I hate it.

I need it...

maybe

?

kind of

?

yeah...

_____

The weird thing is, I love community.

Oh man, community and I are tight.

Best friends.

Big fan.

Big fan!

_____

Forced reliance.

learning

to 

tollerate.

_____

ugh.

_____

I know it's good for me.

because i am a woman

Botswana is incredibly beautiful.

As I sit writing I am surrounded by twisty, worn trees with beautiful blossoms of Easter-esc, pastel colors.

Garden workers buzz around me, each never passing without a cheerful greeting of "Dumela mma". 

Good morning mam.

Their early morning cheerfulness inspires me to welcome each new day with their same excitement.

I am off to present a poem I have written for class.

The poem is titled "Because I am a woman".

It is a feminist interpretation of Mark 5:21-43

otherwise known as the story of the bleeding woman.

For me, this poem has become more than just an assignment.

It has become an outlet for me to express my frustration with the incredibly patriarchal society that is Botswana.

As I wrote, I continually asked God to prepare me to speak truth to the audience I was to share it with.

While I was reading, and rereading, and rereading and.... well, rereading the story, my mind was fixated on answering the question "How can this story be told to empower women?"

But more than that

"How can this story be told to empower Motswana women?"

Many people here have faith.

It is quite astounding how many times I have been invited to attend church with a complete stranger.

But sadly, the patriarchy in the church is dominant in Botswana.

Women are not built up within the walls of the church, they are, most often torn down.

My faith does not tear down women.

My religion does not tear down women.

My Messiah, he definitely does not tear down women.

Yet here, that is not the reality.

I was only given a week's time to compose my poem.

I could tweak and refine my words for years.

This task was too important to give haste to!

Why do I doubt God's hand?

Every day my heart breaks for the people of Botswana.

The oppression is severe. 

The woman are patronized, objectified and constantly belittled all in the name of culture.

They are given worth based on their ability to please a man.

Brains, imaginations, cleverness, confidence, strength... they are of no value here.

For a woman.

My heart does not only break for the women, it also breaks for the men.

With the rise of global feminism, young women are given special attention and are beginning to be taught what it is to be a woman.

For the man, the "proper" characteristics and behaviors are assumed.

They are not discussed.

Women are beginning to gather to discuss their place and power.

Men, they are left to figure out their slowly changing roles in society all on their own.

This has given birth to passion killings.

Men are back lashing too swiftly and fiercely to the newly, and only so slightly, empowered woman.

The "need" to show power and dominance is dramatized to the murders of several unsuspecting women.

The tensions are addressed and therefore worsening. 

As I look into the eyes of the young men and women in my class, my heart beat quickens. 

I feel so alone.

My message so contradictory to this culture.

I am not alone.

Who am I kidding?

I have the bleeding woman.

"Because I am a woman"

A poetic interpretation of Mark 5:21-43

By Kayla Stelle

Silent thought I speak.

Quite while I scream.

I am not heard,

because I am a woman.

If that were not enough,

they call me unclean;

a child of some cruel sin

because I am a woman.

My small fortune has been spent;

promised healings are not delivered.

Forever I will sleep in dirt

because I am a woman.

I find myself craving mercy;

day by day losing worth.

Surely He will never touch me

because I am a woman.

I am sinking like a stone.

If only I could touch his coat

His power will descend upon me and I will be made new

even though, I am a woman.

His nearness gives me an unexplainable strength!

I crawl through the ever-growing crowd

but nobody takes notice, they are blind to my attendance

because I am a woman.

I slowly raise my frail hand;

doubt fights against belief.

This is my only chance

because I am a woman.

Immediately He turns around.

It is as if He senses my presence.

He calls for the one who touched him.

He calls for me, a woman.

In that moment, I'm amazed!

My body has been completely restored!

Then, I fall trembling at his feet, in fear,

because I am a woman.

I open my mouth to speak and a stutter comes out.

I share with Him the horrors that are my life.

Every single truth He hears

even though I am a woman.

"Daughter" He says as He looks deep into my eyes,

"Your faith has healed you."

Now, I am His child,

a beloved and cherished woman.

Away from Him I go,

my life now a testament of faith.

I am unique, treasured, empowered

because I am a woman.

Because I am a woman

my story now transcends...

cultures, genders, laws-- they have no say!

My Messiah, He heals women. 

___

I could choose to ignore the suffering that is all around me.

It would be easy to focus on the beauty that has blessed this country.

If I so desired, walking in oblivion would be a simple solution.

But, my Messiah, He heals women. 

a very happy birthday to a very special girl

Dear Mads,

I am so lucky to have you as my sister and best friend. Sisters are always portrayed as rivals and never as advocates. When I tell people that I truly love my sister, they always respond with something along the lines of "Really?" or "You guys don't just fight all of the time?". People expect us to constantly compete against each other instead of support each other. Maddog, I'm so glad that we defy that stereotype. We have countless memories shared, inside jokes conjured and awesome telepathic powers that are the result of knowing one another so intimately. We are truly blessed.

It's great to have someone to share my oodles and oodles of bazaarness with. I love that you not only match the crazy-- but often exceed it.

I love that we have this unofficial crazy-face-making-off competition every time we end a skype call. I can always count on at least two minutes of hideously fantastic faces being exchanged before one of us finally says, "Okay for real now, goodbye." (Then of course, we have a few more moments of the loco before truly signing off.)

I love that when we get into the car, one of us will pop in a cd in complete silence, wait a few moments for the tune to begin, and then simultaneously burst out singing at the top of our lungs with complete seriousness. This singing is not a joke. This is real life. I also love that the cd of choice is usually Hillary Duff's "Metamorphosis".Quality.

I love that we can be silly together when trying to talk about our days, or explain a tv show we just watched or, I don't know-- imitate Star Wars characters. (Your wookie noise could use some serious improvement, but no judgement.) It's fun when we're telling the same story and we finish each other's..... sandwiches. Dang! So close.

Girl, we're such geeks.
Nerds?
Whatever, same thing.

I love that we share a love for Lord of the Rings. Remember that one time that we went to Target and found all of those foam, medieval, weapons in the dollar section? Then do you remember when we proceeded to buy ALL OF THEM and reenact all of the Lord of the Rings battles around our house? "That still only counts as one!" OOH, do you then remember when mom walked in, carrying a bag of groceries, right into the middle of the battle for Helm's Deep? I sure hope you do, because you stabbed her with your sword, and she fell swiftly and epicly to the floor. Gosh we have a cool mom.

I love that you bought me the Ring of Power for Christmas.
One ring to rule them all...

I love that we both love Peter Pan and can literally quote the entire movie back and forth. That's pretty cool. We're pretty cool. "I have taught you to fly and to fight! What else is there?"

I love our Star Wars marathons. I am so glad that we can agree upon the fact that you watch them in the order that they were released, not the sequential order. Not only is that the only way to have a SWM, but then you are sleepy for the 1, 2, 3 and can therefore let your mind relax and not want to kill itself when Padme cries, "Anakin, you're breaking my heart!"

We have so many mishap moments... it's kind of unreal.
But then again, not unreal, because it's us.

I loved that one time when we decided to be all artsy with our food and create a bowl made out of chocolate. Goodness, that was such a magnificent idea! It worked so well the second time. The first time though....... boiling chocolate all over who? Oh yeah, me.

I loved, like seriously loved, that time that we went shopping and tried on literally all of the clothing in the clearance section of Macy's while waiting for mom to return stuff. Normally that kind of thing would drive me insane, but watching you take off that shirt and slice your forehead open with the price tag made it... priceless. If that wasn't enough, the way we "fixed it" really sealed the deal. Remember when I took out that makeup from my purse and rubbed it all over the gash to "cover it up" and then we got out of the shawty dressing room light to realize that you had a pretty solid line of sparkles and glitter going down the front of your forehead? Hey, you're like a flashy Harry Potter! You go Glenn Coco.

I loved when we were trapped at home, for what seamed like forever, due to snow in high school. Girl, we got so bored so quickly. But hey, we had each other! So, obviously we were going to do something silly and a bit unconventional. Who cares that we had perfectly delicious and normal ice cream in the freezer... we just had to make some on our own... from the snow. Yeah, that tasted good. Ps. Mom and Dad, if you're reading this, sorry for making you eat that.

Because I'm the big sister, it is my responsibility to embarrass you as much as possible.

I loved sending you that super creative letter last spring. No, not the one entirely in Spanish. (Which was meant to help you BTW, not annoy you.) I'm talking about the one with the strip of waxed leg hair. I honestly don't know why you didn't appreciate that... That was a piece of me. That leg hair had traveled around with me for five months. It saw the world! You obviously didn't care. Whatever. See if I ever give you anything meaningful again!

I love going to places with a self-check option with you. You know why (; OHHHH the volume on those thingys can be cranked so loud! I love watching your face go from a "Yay Kayla is buying me candy!" face to a "What the hell Kayla, you speak English not Spanish" face. Again, I am just trying to help.

I love driving you places. Seriously, I do. I enjoy driving for one, but girl you know how free I become when behind the wheel. I love singing at the top of my lungs and dancing like it's nobodies business. You however, do not appreciate that little detail. Mads, you sink so low into your seat, it's ridiculous. Just embrace it! Life is wonderful.

You dish it right back at me though...

You love to take pictures of me when I'm sleeping. You love it so much, you make collages! Collages! Like, are you kidding me? I can't count the amount of times I have walked into a room and seen you, with your ipod, showing people pictures and saying "This is Kayla sleeping in the car on the way to Tahoe... This is Kayla when she fell asleep after showering... This is Kayla sleeping on her text book... This is Kayla sleeping on the trampoline..."

You love to laugh at me when I need you to comfort me. Remember when I watched the finale to Chuck?! I called you balling my big blue eyes out and what did you do?! You first laughed, then put me on speaker and then had to hand the phone to someone else because you were rolling around on the floor. Madison, that was a defining moment in my emotional life and you did not care at all! Sarah doesn't remember Chuck! Do you understand the horrors of this?! Love... I just can't.

You love to do stupid little things, in public, to embarrass me. Like hey, remember when I was wearing a zip up jacket that one time when we went to Costco. YOU KNOW I NEVER WEAR ANYTHING UNDER THOSE. But what did you do? "Hey Kayla, what's that?" I look to the left... you unzip my jacket. I was so exposed. SO EXPOSED.

Even though you do all of those things, you are still so damn cool!

I love the quirky things you do. I remember one time when the power had been out for days and I came downstairs to the cutest/most pathetic thing I had ever seen anyone do. You were sitting in the dark with a tea light, a tooth pick and a bag of mini mollows roasting them. Seriously, you're the greatest.

I love that you made varsity basketball as a freshy. That one really needs no further explanation. #balla

I love that YOU WERE ATHLETE OF THE WEEK TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. Girl, you are such a champion! Even though you despise the pictures that were chosen, you still looked sick. And not sick as in ill, sick as in too legit to quit.

I am so proud of you.

I love that you have become such a leader. I remember the first time I saw you really step up. It was at a Blue Ox basketball banquet during the awards section of the evening. You were so little and so cute. Up until then, I don't think I had ever seen you voluntarily speak in front of a group of people. But girl, you just marched up in front because you were determined to encourage your team. That has since developed into such a beautiful thing. You are captain of the varsity basketball team at Peninsula, a leader in the youth group and the director of this summer's mission trip. People look up to you girl.

I love the strong woman of God you have become. You are so confident because you know that you are His. You radiate His love to everyone you come in contact with, even when that is hard. You have such strong conviction and compassion. The way you care for others is extraordinary. I know that you are going to be the most fantastic teacher some day.You, through your actions, show people what it is to be a follower of a loving and powerful God. You are a rockstar.

Even though you can be SO DUMB AND ANNOYING.... like the fact that you quit softball. I had such high hopes for us... second and short... that would have been so solid. Or the fact that you listen to Taylor Swift and One Direction at an abnormal volume and consistency. Or the fact that you aren't going to North Park next year.

I'm over it.
Kind of.
Not really.
Especially the Taylor part.

I still love you SO MUCH.

To reiterate what I said at the beginning, I am so lucky to have you. I can't wait to see how our friendship only grows.

We're going to be the coolest old ladies ever.

Keep on keepin' on.

Oh, and happy birthday.

puddles in the desert

You will never understand the saying "dogs are man's best friend" until you have a dog that not only understands you better than your fellow humans, but who longs to be with you as if you were the sole purpose for its existence.

Similarly, you will never understand common comparisons until you have lived both sides of the contrast.

I first experienced this eye-opening phenomenon when I was sitting in chapel at North Park University during my first Chicago winter.

It was the middle of February, quite possibly the dreariest time of the year in Chi Town, when a local pastor came to preach to us.

He spoke passionately about the coming of Easter and compared it to the coming of spring.

Now, wherever you are, spring is a beautiful time!

You see the baby animals.

You smell the fresh flowers.

You obtain an uncommon drive to clean your apartment...

But man oh man, you will be hard pressed to find anyone who appreciates the coming of spring more than a Midwesterner during the month of February.

When this pastor then linked this longing for spring to the coming of Christ, it clicked for me.

Wow! The coming of Christ...

That's incredible!

It is so welcomed after this cold, dark, miserable Christ-less time.

Jesus, the son of God.

Spring, the sun given to us from God.

What gifts.

I have recently experienced another lovely awakening to the reality of a common phrase.

Let me tell you this: you will never understand any rain analogies to their completion until you live in a desert.

Similarly to the coming of spring, the coming of rain brings such a clean, cool, new and absolutely needed comfort to such a dry place.

Granite, the rain practically evaporates as soon as it hits the ground...

But it is so desperately needed that the entire atmosphere changes.

I am not speaking merely of the change from dry heat to humidity.

I am speaking of the energy that surrounds this land.

The people's hearts begin to glow.

Their smiles begin to gleam.

Their walks begin to skip.

And

a deep sigh of relief is collectively uttered.

This is what we have been waiting so earnestly for...

it is here.

It is joyfully received.

It is fresh.

Drip.
Drop.
Drip.

Isaiah 53.