forced reliance

The last few weeks have been pretty rough.

Those of you who know me well and even those of you who barely know me at all most likely have observed that I am a fairly independent individual.

and by fairly independent, I mean quite independent.

and by quite independent, I mean extremely independent.

That, my friends, is why the last few weeks have been a struggle.

Here in Gaborone, my independence is super limited.

I cannot go anywhere or do anything on my own.

Back home, in Chicago, I spend my afternoons relaxing in different coffee shops studying and enjoying my much needed alone time.

I am so ridiculously productive, it's actually insane.

Also, I enjoy a daily run.

During this run I get to work out (appreciate the pun please) all of my stresses and come home a refreshed and sweaty human.

I also walk, a lot.

I walk to the grocery store.

I walk to coffee.

I walk to the lake.

I walk to church.

I walk to friend's places.

I walk walk walk.

I also problem solve.

I problem solve for others, I problem solve for myself, I even (on the not-so-rare occasion) problem solve for strangers.

I like to take things into my own hands and make my life my life.

It is difficult for me to let others help me.

because, I can help myself.

well

here

that

is

not

a

thing.

like, at all.

And boy oh boy, it makes life really hard.

I cannot walk anywhere by myself because it is dangerous.

So consequently, everywhere I go, I go with others.

I cannot sit anywhere on campus alone because it is not culturally normal for one to sit alone.

This results in me attempting to journal while constantly being asked "are you okay?"

Well, I was.

If that were not enough, I keep getting sick!

and not like, oh it's just a cold, sick...

but sick sick.

I am currently battling strep throat.

This has me stuck in my little room.

The aloneness is nice, but it is forcing me to rely on those around me.

Those same people that I am forced to be around for safety I am not forced to be around for general survival. 

They are kind enough to bring me food

water

internet

and drugs

penicillin to be specific.

They keep coming to help even though I do not ask.

It's good, because I won't ask.

because I can take care of it on my own.

all on my own.

because I'm strong

independent

and perfectly capable of not dying.

_____

Yeah Kayla, keep telling yourself that.

Forced reliance.

It sucks.

It's annoying.

I hate it.

I need it...

maybe

?

kind of

?

yeah...

_____

The weird thing is, I love community.

Oh man, community and I are tight.

Best friends.

Big fan.

Big fan!

_____

Forced reliance.

learning

to 

tollerate.

_____

ugh.

_____

I know it's good for me.